Absent at Commencment

Commencement is a day that should be filled with laughter and cheers with family and friends by your side, instead, I spent that day cooped up inside my dorm room recovering from COVID-19 in tears that I was unable to attend.

Every child dreams of the day they graduate as they walk across the stage and accept a piece of paper we have been working through blood and tears to get. We see it in movies, in TV shows, our family members have gone through it, and we think someday that’ll be me too! It is our entire life goal that is placed on us since we are a child and we grow up excited about the day we graduate and step out into our next chapter.

Sometimes, however, life doesn't play out quite as you had anticipated.

May 6th

Two days before commencement I was feeling really ill, but I chalked it up to not enough sleep or just a cold. I did vomit a couple of times, which is not normal for me, but again I didn’t think much of it. My mind was filled with excitement for the big event and my parents were flying in town later today. Towards the end of the day, a pit in my stomach made me think, what if I have COVID-19? But surely life wouldn't be so cruel and give me a break for my big day. I called my parents before they boarded about my worries. They also thought it was no big deal and to just sleep it off. I had initially planned to pick up my parents from the airport but I felt unsure if I should before knowing my results.

May 7th

My mom swung by my dorm to give me an at-home COVID test for me to take. And I was Negative! Horrary! It seemed like I was worried for nothing. My parents and I caught up and met in their hotel room. We haven’t seen each other in a couple of months so it was so nice to see them. I still felt ill, but since I tested negative I didn’t think much of it.

I took another test a little while later, this time with the dreaded positive sign on the swab. My face drained. Graduation was just tomorrow, and my parents flew in to be here, only to not see me attend. I was absolutely heartbroken and devasted. It was as if you are trapped in a glass box and you can see all your friends and families with all the finest riches just outside, but you were trapped as you watch everyone receive their honor and riches.

I sobbed for hours that night. I emailed the Housing and Residential Education with a heavy heart informing them that I am positive and thus unable to attend Commencement tomorrow.

May 8th

I got a call first thing in the morning by the Resident Director who was empathic to me and informed me I would be quarantined in my room until the following Saturday. I was brought up meals two times a day for breakfast + lunch and snack +dinner.

Shortly before the commencement ceremony, my parents sent me a picture of themselves still dressed up in front of the graduation live stream from their hotel room. It made me so happy to know that they still dressed the part, it was their way of “being there” with me. After an incredible speech from —— we listened in and watched our peers accept their diplomas. I cheered on my friends, and though it was agonizing and many tears were shed during the live stream, I was genuinely happy for them and shouted cheers and yelled their names from my room.

I was a mess. I was sobbing for hours and my eyes were a puffy red mess. I thought this was so unfair. I was flooded with texts from friends and families, some of who I barely spoke to hoping I was well. My friends assured me I wasn’t missing much because they were just standing around until they were waiting for their names to be read aloud. Some said it’s probably better I didn’t go since it was just hours of speeches. That’s a privilege they’re able to say only because they attended. I am positive if they were also unable to attend they wouldn’t have complained that their legs hurt from standing so long or how they thought it was longer than needed. All my life I wanted to walk across the stage and move my tassel from one side to the other, however lame and insignificant it may seem, to me that’s what I was working towards my entire life, and if I couldn’t live it, I wanted to hear about it.

I do get my friends were trying to make me feel better, but often times it had the opposite effect. They tried to empathize but were also making the big ceremonial day seem less than it was. I wanted my friends to not have to tip-toe around my feelings and just state how amazing it was to be there and to have made it.

My parents still wanted me to feel congratulated even though I couldn’t celebrate and my parents arranged for someone to bring a bag filled with a flower bouquet, champagne, strawberries, a lobster roll, and a box of chocolates. I was overwhelmed. I FaceTimed my parents with the biggest smile on my face, in a day full of longing and tears it was more than I needed.

Other friends of mine that also tested positive kept in contact while we were isolated and made plans to do a photoshoot with our cap and gowns. The Saturday I was released, The four of us wore our ceremonial gowns and strode to the Boston Public Garden for our pictures.

While it was definitely not what any of us had planned, it bonded our group as the four of us all filled our sorrowful memories with happy smiles and laughter, ending with a picnic at the park and Korean BBQ for dinner. I’m grateful COVID-19 occurred after my high school graduation and I got to experience that at least in full. And even though I didn’t walk across the stage, I did it!

I graduated!